My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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