I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
