$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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