Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
