so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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