I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
