Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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