Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You don't make any sense
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