I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
