sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I look better un-naked...
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I am midnight drunk by noon
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
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I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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