First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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