If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
