1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
