Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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