You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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