If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My dick has a subreddit
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
