i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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