I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm at about main and main street
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
