You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
