I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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