if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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