I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
