She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Sorry about my life...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
