If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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