billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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