You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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