I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
