just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
