I cut my penus on the lid.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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