do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
