so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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