If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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