i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
