dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
