Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
