Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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