also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
