Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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