Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
