My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
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We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
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I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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