Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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