you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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