You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
