Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
