Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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