please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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