seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize