I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
