They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
