I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
