I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
