I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
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Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
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I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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