The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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