you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
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