don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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